The Doritios Addiction
Sometime in 2014:
I don’t know if you’ve ever been addicted to anything...but I’m addicted to Doritos. And I’m talking straight up nacho cheese baby. That sweet sweet red bag with a Coke, and all my dreams are fulfilled.
There was a time when I was living on Euclid Avenue in Princess Tower (yes that’s what we named my apartment) that my addiction took a turn for the worse. I know that the first step to addiction is admitting you have a problem, but I was nowhere near ready for that.
I was working at this Mexican place at the top of my street, and I had a pretty solid schedule. I would go to work and be out just before my corner store closed at midnight. I would grab a party bag, some Coke and get home as fast as humanly possible. Get on that couch and rip open that bag of incredible cheesy flavour. I’d watch whatever I was into at that moment and just tear that bag to shreds.
And I would do this multiple times a week.
Alright...fine... I’d do it nearly every single day.
Anyways, this one day I was at work and we were stuck there with some tables when I looked at my phone and realized it was 11:15 pm. Which meant I only had 45 minutes to get my fix. As time inched closer to midnight and I realized there was no way I was getting out in time I started getting serious anxiety. What the FUCK would I do without Doritos night? I racked my brain for how I could get out of work for the time I needed to get these Doritos. It was just a little bit too busy for me to escape unnoticed and make it back. But I needed these chips more than I’d ever needed anything else before in my entire life.
And this is when I lost all sense of reality and basically attacked a gentleman on his way out the door.
“Hey!” I cried as I sprinted across the restaurant trying to reach the guy before he got into the outside world and was lost to me forever.
“Hi…” he said, looking at me questioningly.
“Listen, I know this is a really strange request,” I began, while ruffling through my apron. “But…” I said, yanking out a $20, “you can keep all the change if you would just run over to store across the street and grab me a big bag of the red Doritos. The RED bag only please, you know, the nacho cheese? Just the red bag. The big, red bag. Thing is the store closes in 20 minutes and I just really need them...the red bag that is.”
The guy looks at me like I’m insane, and that’s because I am. In this moment, and always really...but especially in this moment.
“What?” he says, really slowly, as if this is just some sort of sick joke.
“CAN YOU BUY ME A BAG OF RED DORITOS, YOU CAN KEEP ALL THE CHANGE. THE STORE CLOSES IN LIKE 10 MINUTES SO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW,” I basically screamed in his face, so riddled with desperation I thought I’d have to shake him to get my point across.
“I guess so…” he says, his eyes wide and horrified. I think he was just scared I’d go bat shit mental if he didn’t do it. Which, I can’t be sure I wouldn’t have.
I stand by the door anxiously awaiting my babies. Those chips, so crispy and cheesy, I could taste them already. The guy appeared a few minutes later and I ripped that bag so fast from his hands I nearly knocked him over.
The sound of that bag opening and the smell...oh the smell...I’d already forgotten about the guy who was still standing by the door looking horrified. I shoved the first few chips in my mouth forgetting everything, that I was still working, that I’d terrified that guy, that my boss would murder me when he saw me...everything for that sweet cheesy chip.
A minute later I sort of came to my senses basic satisfaction achieved and looked up. And there were at least 12 people looking at me in sheer horror, from the man who got me my fix, to the bartender, to my boss, to my table I’d completely forgotten about.
The four people at this table go crazy with laughter. To the point where one lady is almost off her chair laughing, “What the HELL,” she yelled. “I’ve never seen ANYONE get that excited or crazy about Doritos!”
And as all these people are just looking at me like what in the absolute hell and I realize something. I am flat out addicted to Doritos.
I can’t lie I totally went home and finished that bag. Man, I will never pay someone to buy me Doritos again, I thought as I shoved the chips in my mouth.
And the next week when that table came back and were standing in the front window with a bag of red Doritos waving it and laughing hysterically I really began to question my entire life.